A Happy Girl (Without the Fake Smile)

My anxieties have switched with nerves. No more anxious thoughts and feelings of uneasiness dripping off the top of my head, but now nervous ones and shaky ideas of a girl I used to be. I don't really remember her anymore. And though she's still me, just in a constant state of change, I can tell just how different I've grown to be. I don't get excited and happy about the same things that once made me in the state of. Always in a search of happiness, trying to capture it and obtain it just for a while, but instead finding loneliness in my corner. It's a shame, no matter how many people I surround myself with, in my head, I'm still lonely and it scares me. How can one person hold so much loneliness? I cover up my feelings with glossy eyes and a cloudy mind. Remove myself from the loneliness, if only for a minute. But when I don't, feelings of frustration and irritation overwhelm me and though I try to brush it off, I can still sense the irritation boiling under my skin, like an itch I keep scratching but it never stops itching. But now that this irritation is here, it makes me not want to be my passive self anymore. I no longer want others to make my decisions for me. I want to be consulted with before my next step is decided because if I don't I can already feel it tacking onto my frustration. If I keep letting it happen, eventually I'm not going to be able to control it, the feeling of bursting, the feeling of letting it all out at once, and it won't be my fault. . .I mean should I take the blame for it? Is it really my fault? If I could stop it I would. I would make all the feelings of nervousness, and frustration, and irritation disappear, and definitely loneliness. I'd be a happy girl, without the fake smile.